


hanging on

by stqrryniqhts



Series: too close to the stars [4]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Chronal Disassociation, Depression, F/M, Gen, Hurt Peter Parker, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Other, Panic Attacks, Peter Parker Angst, Peter Parker Feels, Peter Parker Has Issues, Peter Parker Has Nightmares, Peter Parker Has Panic Attacks, Peter Parker Has a Family, Peter Parker Needs a Break, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Peter Parker is a Mess, References to Depression, Separation Anxiety, Social Anxiety, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-11
Updated: 2019-10-11
Packaged: 2020-12-07 22:47:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20983652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stqrryniqhts/pseuds/stqrryniqhts
Summary: He is sick of it, he's sick of all the bad things that keep happening, he's sick of that annoying voice in his head that tells him to keep holding on. But then he starts to wonder what it would be like if he stopped hanging on, if he let go.





	hanging on

**Author's Note:**

> warnings: depression, disassociation, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts and actions.

Peter needs to be alone. He has to be. He can't be around people, so many people, at once. It's too much, the music and chatter. Every heartbeat around him is another pound to his skull, multiplied by hundreds of loud voices.

Pound.

No-

_Pound_.

Please, stop-

_**Pound**_.

"No!" Peter pushes Tony as hard as he can, running, running through the empty halls of the compound, running away from the stupid banquet. He rips his stupid tie from his stupid suit, running into his stupid room in this stupid compound.

Tears seem to blur his vision as he punches his wall as hard as he can, feeling and hearing his knuckles bruise as the plaster breaks. With the boy's breathing uneven, he falls onto his bed, wanting for the noise that fills his stupid mind to stop.

_Stupid_, _stupid_, _stupid_.

It's how Peter feels, and no matter how hard he tries, he can't get rid of it. The constant nagging for him to give in, to just give up, it's always lingering.

But for some reason he keeps going.

Why?

Because Tony keeps telling him that it will all be ok, that, because of all that's happened to him, something good will come from this. That maybe, _just_ _maybe_, the universe will be kind to him for once.

He is sick of it, he's sick of all the bad things that keep happening, he's sick of that annoying voice in his head that tells him to keep holding on. But then he starts to wonder what it would be like if he stopped hanging on, if he let go.

Let go?

What if... what if he let go?

What would it feel like to let go?

_No_.

Peter pushes the thought out of his head. Now, sure, he's had thoughts like that before, his imagination pulling him down that dark hole. But it feels so real now, and he can almost see how it would play out.

'Neighborhood Spider-man dies in fatal accident, falling from a tower without his webs.'

_Stop_ _it_.

It's not right, and he knows it isn't too. He shouldn't be thinking this. But for months now he's been imagining these types of things. He had always pushed them away, but the breeze outside, flowing through his window is tempting. It won't hurt to just swing around, will it?

-

Peter shouldn't be here. But he can't stop shaking, and the ending of the noise is right there in front of him, all he has to do is make one wrong slip and it's gone. _Then_ _it's_ _all_ _gone_.

Tony had tried to find Peter, and he knows it too. He disconnected the tracker again before leaving, and the boy knows that it's only a matter of time before his dad finds him.

The cold breeze makes Peter shiver, his feet dangling off the ledge of the second tallest tower in New York City. He can't help but think of what it will be like after he's gone, and he thinks it will be better.

Morgan will have to grow up without listening to his cries during the night, Tony and Pepper won't have to pick him up from school after a bad panic attack twice a week, and he'll finally be with May after her passing from the relentless disease that tore her away from him. He realizes that he'll finally have peace.

_Buzz_.

Peter looks down at his phone's screen that is now lighting up his face. A picture of himself and Tony is the background, and the caller is none other than his dad.

"Pete? Thank god you answered. Where are you buddy, we're all worried." Tony wait for a response, but it never comes.

Peter is afraid.

How is he going to hang up? How is he going to set the phone down and apologize before he-

"Peter? Talk to me. Is everything ok? I'm out looking for you right now." His dad's calming voice is heard through the phone but Peter doesn't here that, all he hears is a voice underwater. His senses aren't controlled or focused, they're all over the place.

The call disconnects and he hears someone behind him.

"Peter?" Tony voice rings through Peter's brain loud and clear, and he starts shaking even more. And when Tony realizes what's happening, pure terror rips through him. He can't lose his son, he can't. "Pete, c'mon, get away from that ledge, Pepper has supper set for us at home." Tony takes small steps towards the boy.

Peter's hands grip the cement blocks he's sitting on and he squeezes them tightly, so hard that they crack under the pressure.

He finally finds his voice after a few seconds, and it's soft yet scratchy. "Go away," the boy says quietly, but loudly enough for his dad to hear.

"Pete-"

"I can't let you see me like this, _please_." Peter says, a brokenness in his voice that rips Tony's heart to shreds. "I just... Tell everyone I love them." Peter looks back at his dad for the last time. "I love you."

-

Two weeks.

Peter has been in the hospital for two weeks.

Today will mark the day he is free to leave, but under strict supervision by everyone. Hell, he can't even take a shower without anyone in the bathroom.

It's been torture.

Peter feels like he's failed. And the truth was, he _did_ fail. That night, he was supposed to fall off of that tower and be declared dead on the scene. He didn't plan on being saved.

Tony saved him.

And for that, Peter isn't sure if he will either hate him, or love him for the rest of his life.

**Author's Note:**

> me? projecting on to a fictional character??  
pfffft, no way


End file.
